The Best of the Best

Time: 17 minutes
Mileage: 718.something

So I've lived in Baltimore more almost 7 years now, and if there is one thing that Baltimore city drivers (and scooterists) will tell you about driving in the city is that we have most likely the most FUBAR, illogical, under-maintained traffic light system in the country. Now I know that's a bold claim, but you spend 20 minutes getting down MLK Boulevard at 1 AM with no traffic, and you tell me you don't agree.

The problem is not so much with placement as it is with timing. I truly believe that back in olden days when people drove Cadillacs with huge fins on the back and everyone listened to the Beach Boys, some city traffic coordinator set the timing for the lights, most likely while drunk, and then sat back and said, "Whelp, that should do it for the next 70 years or so." I've never seen a badly timed traffic light be changed since I've been here, and I don't think I ever will. It just goes on and on - most Baltimoreans have simply taken it for granted by this point.

Anyway, I thought I'd share with you a couple of my personal faves:

#1 Worst Light Ever in the History of Timing Things Award:
South Caton Ave. @ Joh & Georgetown Roads, SW Baltimore/Arbutus

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This little bundle of joy has been a thorn in my side for as long as I can remember. I practice with my band right down the street from this intersection, and if I want to take I-95 to practice, I have to sit through this light. And when I say sit, I mean sit. I shit you not - the actual cycle time of this light is 2 1/2 minutes from red to green. Here's how it goes:

1. N/S bound traffic on Caton Ave.
2. East-bound traffic from Joh Ave.
3. West-bound traffic from Georgetown Ave.
4. Left-hand turning traffic on Caton Ave.
5. N/S bound traffic on Caton Ave.

Now, you may be saying to yourself that that doesn't look too bad, but here's the kicker: there is never any traffic on Joh or Georgetown Ave. Never. Look at the satellite map - the only thing down Joh Ave. is the emissions inspection station and ITT Tech, and the only thing down Georgetown Ave. is nothing. So you find yourself sitting on Caton Ave. for 2 1/2 minutes while the lights cycle and no one is moving anywhere. If you think I'm being petty, give it a try for yourself. Enjoy!

#2 Worst Light in Baltimore at Least Award:
MLK @ Howard St.

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I know what you're saying to yourself: "How could that absolute cluster-fuck of an intersection provide any problem to anyone at any time?" I hear you. And here's the thing - it doesn't have to be!!!! The first problem is that at this point MLK goes from being a four-lane road to a two-lane road. Problem 2: there are always double-length buses turning left from Eutaw St. onto MLK that block the intersection. Problem 3: there is a light for the crosswalk inbetween Eutaw and Howard Sts. that will stay red for seemingly forever while the light in front of it is green. As soon as the crosswalk light turns green....you guessed it, the light at Howard St. turns red. Yeah, that sounds like the kind of thing you want to have at an already crowded and complicated intersection at the end of the busiest street in Baltimore.

Alright, I'm done now. I'll try to take some pictures of these lovelies the next time I'm stuck in traffic.