I don't really have anything for you today...it was a late night last night. So here's a picture of my cat:
This blog stuff sure is tough work...
/wipes brow
Friday, October 31, 2008
Cheating Just a Bit
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 10:51 AM 0 comments
Labels: Laziness, The Fat One
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
What We Need In This Series is Another Delay
A humble apology to all of my loyal fans for the lack of updates recently...Truth be told, I haven't been riding my scooter this week due to rainy/cold/hellish weather and the need for me to travel to far off, distant places like Fairfax, VA. I will also be quite honest with you. Its getting REALLY cold in the mornings. I'll leave it at that for right now.
In case you don't pay attention to, well, anything, Obama will be delaying the start of tonight's pivotal Game 5 by 15 minutes to offer you the fast way to rock-hard abs. Well, maybe not.
I think its funny that McCain criticized the move by saying, "Well, I can tell you one thing, we won't be delaying the start of a baseball game with infomercials when I'm president," because, A) he probably will, and B) Obama fans don't like baseball anyway. They like playing Halo 3, foosball, fantasy football, and writing pointless blogs that no one reads!
/wallows in self-pity
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 8:06 AM 1 comments
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Bradford-1000
Seeing Chad Bradford warming up during the 6th inning of tonight's game reminds me of the time that my friend Lea (not the biggest baseball fan in the world), upon seeing Bradford when he pitched for the Orioles, asked me,
Lea: "Is that legal?"
Me: /looks up from nerdy baseball scoresheet, pushes glasses up nose
"Is what legal?"
Lea: "That pitcher - is the pitch allowed to hit the ground before it gets to the batter?"
Me: "Um, yeah, but it would be a ball."
Lea: "Right, but that last pitch was a strike."
Me: "Yeah, but it didn't hit the ground."
Lea: "Yes it did - that pitcher bounced his pitch off of the mound and somehow aimed it at the strike zone. I didn't think that was legal."
Me: "yeah baseball is weird..."
/returns to scoring game without explaining that Bradford-1000 is an extreme submarine pitcher whose pitching arm almost scrapes the mound, creating the illusion, to those who have never seen such a thing, that he is bouncing the baseball off of the pitching mound
Lea: ermahgawd i need sum boogs bbq
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 12:10 AM 0 comments
Labels: Baseball, Bradford-1000, Optical Delusions, Rays
Friday, October 24, 2008
Time: 25 minutes, because I got stuck behind this grain elevator/conveyor belt on wheels
Miles: Forgot to check...something like 817?
So I have to say that I am absolutely loving this World Series. I haven't really been able to get a feel from anybody else, though. I feel as though baseball fans should enjoy the matchup, but I also can understand why people who don't give a shit about baseball would continue to not give a shit about this.
But I'm absolutely loving it...a series that's tied up at 1-1 going to Philadelphia, two close games, two fairly evenly matched teams, no blowouts. You can feel it going to 7 games.
However I also know that this will be the World Series that people look back on and say, "Yeah, the red sox won it in '04 and '07...they were still really really good going into '08. Who the hell played in the series that year? I know Tampa Bay won one back around that period...was that it? Who the hell did they play? The Phillies? Are you kidding me? I don't even remember that. What the hell is an Iwamura?"
So I'm lapping it up while I can before next year, when Bud Selig will find some way to have the red sox play the yankees AND the Mets in the World Series, so we can have a glorious return to the Tim McCarver the way we all know him best: shoved lovingly up Derek Jeter's ass.
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 8:25 AM 0 comments
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Nevermind
The Backstreet Boys (4 out of 5) to sing the National Anthem for Game 1????? Are you shitting me???
Sorry Tampa Bay, this doesn't bode well for you.
And one of the wireless mics keeps cutting out...as if anything could make this performance more annoying.
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 8:20 PM 0 comments
Wow.
Well, I'm about to start watching the 2008 World Series. Here are a couple of things that I never, ever, ever, ever thought that I would say:
1. The Tampa Bay Rays are in the World Series.
2. The Tampa Bay Rays have a legitimately good shot at winning it all.
3. Its kinda cool that the World Series is being played in the dome.
4. The Orioles now have to compete with Tampa Bay, along with boston and new york. Toronto is pretty fucking good, too.
5. I'm rooting for TAMPA freaking BAY in the WORLD SERIES
/head explodes
I'm really excited about the series, as I feel most real baseball fans are. Its a great matchup, neither the yankees nor the red sox are involved, and both teams are fairly young (although Jamie Moyer kinda skews the Phillies' average) so this could be a sign of a changing of the guard. In fact, I feel like the entire 2008 season has kinda been a harbinger of things to come.
- For the first time in a while, the yankees looked really old, and were never really a threat
- Homerun totals are down, stolen bases and doubles are up
- The entire year felt like a year for the youngin's: Lincecum, Hanley Ramirez, pedroia, David Price, Volquez, Longoria, Alexi Ramirez, Geovanny Soto...
- The NL is slowly getting better
Anyway, I love this game. And there's always next year for the Orioles, right?
/cries single tear
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 8:00 PM 0 comments
Truth Conquers All
Time: 18 minutes
Mileage: 802.3
You know those little Christian fish insignias that people like to put on the back of their cars? Those things are fine by me - whatever you want to put on the back of your car, I suppose. And then they advanced to feature the word "Truth" in the middle of it - also fine. A bit more forceful, but still fine. And then some hippie came out with the little fish with legs on it that said "Darwin". I liked that one. And then some hippie came out with the fish with legs on it that said "Darwin" that was eating the Christian fish that said "Truth". So you know where the logical conclusion for all of this lies:
I saw one of these on a car that was in front of me this morning, and in between cursing at the biting cold and trying not to hit any black ice, it occurred to me that this particular iteration of the fish bumper thingy might not be relaying the correct message for its intended audience.
To wit:
The bumper thingy where the Darwin fish is eating the Truth fish is (I believe) intending to make the joke that not only has the fish evolved and grown legs, but it is fulfilling Darwin's theory that the most well-adapted species will thrive over those not so well-adapted.
So when the Truth fish eats the Darwin fish...aren't the Christians kinda proving the hippies' point? I'm not totally sure how an animal with no eyes, no fins, no visible means of locomotion is better adapted for the rugged environment of being glued to the back of a Saturn, but it appears as though that is one tough fish.
And if that isn't the case, then what are we to assume? That the Truth fish was not truly superior to the Darwin fish, it was just really really hungry and got kinda lucky?
I dunno, but I think any of these would be a preferable alternative:
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 7:59 AM 0 comments
Labels: Christians, Darwin, Fish
Monday, October 20, 2008
We Have Been Released
Note that in the middle of the 8th inning, after David Price struck out JD Drew with the bases loaded, I actually made the promise to myself that if the red sox came back to win the game, I would become a Boston fan.
News update: They didn't!
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 12:03 PM 0 comments
Labels: Jubilation, Rays, red sox
Friday, October 17, 2008
While I'm at It...
From Craig Calcaterra at Shysterball, who is pretty much the inspiration for this blog: Why We Blog.
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 11:44 AM 0 comments
More Joe
I think I'm just going to turn this blog into a re-direct site to Joe Posnanski's blog.
Brilliant stuff from the man:
Then, I worked for numerous hours on this book I may have mentioned that I’m working on, and then I came home to watch the debate/Dodgers-Phillies game. What I wanted to do was watch them both at more or less the same time, switching back and forth so that one minute I’m watching Shane Victorino strike out swinging, then I watch John McCain talk to Joe the Plumber, then I watch Barack Obama talk to Joe the Plumber then I watch Rafael Furcal ground out to second, then I hear Tim McCarver go through all sorts of verbal contortions to make the point that it was fitting that Shane Victorino ran into the Best Buy sign because he was the Phillies’ best buy in a long time, then more Joe the Plumber talk*.*Man, seriously, I know it’s hard to get a plumber on short notice these days, but all this talk about Joe the Plumber seemed a bit excessive to me. Of course, once they got going with it, I wish they would have kept going with it.
McCain: “Joe the Plumber, I wanna tell you, I’ll not only help you buy that business you worked your whole life for, I’ll keep your taxes low.”
Schieffer: “Would you like to respond Senator Obama?”
Obama: “I would. I’d like to say a quick word out there to Stan the Cable guy. Stan, my DVR is not working properly. I don’t know, I left the house, and Michelle was messing with it, and well, now it’s not recording anything. I know I will need a new DVR, but — and this is important, now — I have some Bears games on there already, and I’m hoping that I can still salvage those. I have not seen them yet. And I will keep your taxes low because you’re not stinking rich like Joe the Plumber.”
Schieffer: “OK, let’s move on …”
McCain: No, wait, I feel I must have a chance to respond. I would like to say something to Lisa the Maid, you know, I seem to have lost the remote control for the television. I’m not blaming you, I think that I left it in the couch or something after I watched the Cardinals beat the Cowboys the other day …
Obama: I saw that.
McCain: … but anyway, I can’t find it now. And we have that kind of TV that you can’t turn it on or off without the remote control, which I think is stupid, and I know how to fix it, and I will fix it my friends.
Obama: Senator McCain is right, we do need to fix these televisions that require a remote control to turn on and off. But if I may, Bob, I would like to say one thing to Jake and Cindy, who are supposed to mow my lawn this week. Kids, you need to edge. You really do.
Schieffer: Fine. Next question is to you Senator McCain. Why is your Health Care plan better than his?
McCain: One last thing, Joe the Plumber. I keep shaking the little flusher lever, but the toilet keeps on running.
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 9:56 AM 0 comments
Labels: Joe Posnanski
Now you know
Time: 16 bitter, hatred-filled minutes
Miles: 762
So now, I hope, you all know why I hate the red sox as much as I do. There are so many, many, many things that I absolutely loathe about that team. Almost too many to enumerate, but here's a couple more reasons I hate postseason baseball (and by that I mean I love postseason baseball) with the red sox in it:
1. How Chip Carey (and really the rest of the broadcast crew) is so fucking far up Dustin Pedroia's ass, because he's such a gutty gritty grinder hustle never stops overcomes obstacles lots of fight in him white guy.
2. How Chip Carey (and really the rest of the broadcast crew) is so fucking far up the red sox's ass because of their never-say-die attitude and the "magic" of fenway park and how dirty all of their helmets are.
3. I hate how TBS absolutely loves immediately going to a shot of a dejected Tampa Bay fan as soon as anything goes wrong...it rubs salt in the wound kinda like how my girlfriend makes this "uh-oh..." sound under her breath when anything goes right for the sox. Love you!
4. I hate how Coco Crisp and Kevin Youklis and Pedroia and f*ing Jed Lowrie can foul off a million pitches until they get a pitch to hit.
5. I hate how rattled Dan Wheeler got in the 7th and that it just played into the red sox fans hand.
6. I really hate JD Drew's face.
7. I hate how David Ortiz, who couldn't hit the side of his face to slap himself in the first four games, suddenly shows up and hits the biggest homerun of the series so far.
8. I hate how Pedroia's hit to start the rally had to come with two strikes and two outs, thereby ensuring his "legendary" status in this "legendary" come-from-behind-against-all-odds win.
9. I hate that stupid Dirty Water song.
10. I hate Wally, the Green Monster.
11. I hate how I *knew* the red sox would eventually win this game, somehow, even in the first inning.
12. I hate it when I'm right about that.
In short, I hate the red sox because they are a really, really good team. They do the right things well. They make pitchers work and don't typically give cheap outs. They play good defense. They don't lie down, even down 7-0 in the 7th, facing elimination.
13. I hate that they just made me say that.
All of that being said, however, I still have to defer to Joe Posnanski - great journalist out in KC who has a fantastically awesome blog - to provide the summation of the game...PLEASE check it out.
Go Rays!1
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 8:26 AM 0 comments
Labels: Dustin Pedroia's Ass, Rays, red sox, Wally
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Muzak Rules
For what its worth, I think that its worth mentioning that I'm sitting in the lounge of a Marriott Hotel typing this while "The Way That You Are" by Smashmouth, the muzak version, is being piped over the background music system.
I'd like to hear how the decision to record a minor Smashmouth hit came down from the bigwigs at Muzak:
Bigwig 1: Well, gentlemen, thank you all for coming. As we all know, Muzak, Inc. continues to be the leading seller of crappy instrumental background music across the globe. However, thanks to this shaky economy and general unease throughout the marketplace, we must firm up our footholds where ever we can.
Bigwig 2: You mean by targeting commercial locations that are likely to attract clientele that prefer our version of lite instrumental pop hits from the 70s and 80s?
BW 1: no dumbass by recording new Smashmouth tunes
BW 2: Oh yes, of course.
BW 1: Smashmouth fans are the new versions of the nebulous consumers of our product that we have always tried to target - they are Carpenters fans transplanted to today's fast-paced world. If they like Smashmouth, it is likely that their fathers and/or mothers were big fans of Jackson Browne back in the day.
BW 2: I see now! I can't wait to brainstorm other similar contemporary artists that also fit the bill...The Goo-Goo Dolls...Sister Hazel...umm...uhh...whos that black chick who looks like hermes from futurama
BW 3: Tracy Chapman. Perfect.
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 1:30 PM 0 comments
Labels: Futurama, Muzak, Smashmouth
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Traitor!
Time: Like 10 minutes
Miles: 69,097
Okay, okay. Yeah, I took my car to work today, on a beautiful 70-degree October day. Its a little bit irritating that I couldn't take my scooter today, actually - the reason is that I have to go pick up my suit from the cleaners. You wouldn't think that such an insignificant task would have such a significant impact on my travel decisions for the day, but these are the things you have to think about when you take on the mantle of a scooter rider. Heavy is the head who wears the crown.
It also occurred to me how crazy I am: I actually got to work early today to a. update my blog, and b. play freaking Bridge on my computer. Yet again I prove the fact that I am a 75 year old woman in a 20-something man's body.
To my legions of fans: sorry about the lack of updates - I'll get back on it.
Go Rays! Beat Boston's sorry ass one more time in their home court and watch all the Joe bandwagon fans stop rooting for them!
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 7:42 AM 0 comments
Labels: Car, Contract Bridge, Errands, red sox
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Magic, Magic, Rays Magic!
There's something happening here...~!
Alright, enough with the corny ripoff of the Orioles Magic song from the 80's. Lets get down to the business of the fact that the Rays are not going to lay down, bite their pillow, and accept wuts cumming to them in this ALCS. I loved last night's game, and I love the fact that the red sox just might get beat by stinkin' Tampa Bay. However, as a devout Orioles fan, I have to accept this with more than just a little trepidation, as the ascendency of the Rays this year means that there is yet another strong team in the AL East. Why couldn't this have been the Nat's year?
But enough about me being selfish. Notes on last night's game:
- I think last night was the kind of game that baseball fans love and that non-baseball fans hate. I was literally on the edge of my seat almost the entire night. And rooting for Tampa Bay. /slaps self
- It is only a matter of time before David Ortiz starts hitting the ball like he can and not like the third grader he looks like right now. I can only hope that when that happens somehow Dustin Pedroia, Kevin Youklis, and Jason Bay have all been swallowed up by some sort of intra-space wormhole that prevents them from ever playing baseball, or existing in this realm again. Or that they stop hitting as well as they are. Whichever.
- Hilarious moment when Chip Carey mentioned that he wanted to see someone hit a home run into the Manta Ray tank out in left field. The camera showed a shot of the tank, and not only was no one anywhere near it, but it also appeared as though all the rays had gone home for the evening.
- I knew it was a bad idea to leave Chad Bradford out for a third inning. I mean, during his tenure as an Oriole, Perlozzo and Trembley would never let him throw more than about two pitches before taking him out for Jamie Walker, lest a left-hander come anywhere near home plate - at which point I had assumed that Bradford-1000 would self-destruct or enter anti-virus protection mode or something. Good to know I was right.
- I wish EA Sports would create and market a game that consisted of you, the batter, trying to do nothing but hit line drives straight at Jonathan Papelbon's arm. I would definitely download that torrent.
Time for a blueberry waffle or two. Go Rays!
/slaps self
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 10:49 AM 0 comments
Labels: Baseball, Bradford-1000, Rays, red sox
Thursday, October 9, 2008
The Best of the Best
Time: 17 minutes
Mileage: 718.something
So I've lived in Baltimore more almost 7 years now, and if there is one thing that Baltimore city drivers (and scooterists) will tell you about driving in the city is that we have most likely the most FUBAR, illogical, under-maintained traffic light system in the country. Now I know that's a bold claim, but you spend 20 minutes getting down MLK Boulevard at 1 AM with no traffic, and you tell me you don't agree.
The problem is not so much with placement as it is with timing. I truly believe that back in olden days when people drove Cadillacs with huge fins on the back and everyone listened to the Beach Boys, some city traffic coordinator set the timing for the lights, most likely while drunk, and then sat back and said, "Whelp, that should do it for the next 70 years or so." I've never seen a badly timed traffic light be changed since I've been here, and I don't think I ever will. It just goes on and on - most Baltimoreans have simply taken it for granted by this point.
Anyway, I thought I'd share with you a couple of my personal faves:
#1 Worst Light Ever in the History of Timing Things Award:
South Caton Ave. @ Joh & Georgetown Roads, SW Baltimore/Arbutus
View Larger Map
This little bundle of joy has been a thorn in my side for as long as I can remember. I practice with my band right down the street from this intersection, and if I want to take I-95 to practice, I have to sit through this light. And when I say sit, I mean sit. I shit you not - the actual cycle time of this light is 2 1/2 minutes from red to green. Here's how it goes:
1. N/S bound traffic on Caton Ave.
2. East-bound traffic from Joh Ave.
3. West-bound traffic from Georgetown Ave.
4. Left-hand turning traffic on Caton Ave.
5. N/S bound traffic on Caton Ave.
Now, you may be saying to yourself that that doesn't look too bad, but here's the kicker: there is never any traffic on Joh or Georgetown Ave. Never. Look at the satellite map - the only thing down Joh Ave. is the emissions inspection station and ITT Tech, and the only thing down Georgetown Ave. is nothing. So you find yourself sitting on Caton Ave. for 2 1/2 minutes while the lights cycle and no one is moving anywhere. If you think I'm being petty, give it a try for yourself. Enjoy!
#2 Worst Light in Baltimore at Least Award:
MLK @ Howard St.
View Larger Map
I know what you're saying to yourself: "How could that absolute cluster-fuck of an intersection provide any problem to anyone at any time?" I hear you. And here's the thing - it doesn't have to be!!!! The first problem is that at this point MLK goes from being a four-lane road to a two-lane road. Problem 2: there are always double-length buses turning left from Eutaw St. onto MLK that block the intersection. Problem 3: there is a light for the crosswalk inbetween Eutaw and Howard Sts. that will stay red for seemingly forever while the light in front of it is green. As soon as the crosswalk light turns green....you guessed it, the light at Howard St. turns red. Yeah, that sounds like the kind of thing you want to have at an already crowded and complicated intersection at the end of the busiest street in Baltimore.
Alright, I'm done now. I'll try to take some pictures of these lovelies the next time I'm stuck in traffic.
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 8:22 AM 0 comments
Labels: Annoyances, intersections, Map
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Jack Frost is a Douchebag
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 8:11 AM 0 comments
Labels: cold
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Mmmmmm
...I mean, that just kind of speaks for itself, doesn't it?
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 6:30 PM 0 comments
Labels: Arby's, Curly fries, Girlfriend
Monday, October 6, 2008
Not Exactly What I Need Right Now
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 8:21 AM 0 comments
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I Can't Even Follow My Own Rules
Well, this certainly didn't take very long - a post not at all related to scooters or Baltimore or streets or anything that I said I'd talk about.
This is all about how frustrating the baseball post-season has been for me for the past couple of years. I'm sitting here watching the red sox lead the Angels 5-3 in the 7th inning in game 2. I know what will happen, though...even if the Angels manage a rally, fucking David Ortiz or that perdroida guy will put the sox back in the lead and then papelfuck will come out and do his little jig and the red sox will win again.
If its not the red sox, its the yankees. And what's more, baseball, the hideous bitch-goddess that it is, has gone so far as to not only torment me by having the red sox and the yankees always win, it sees to it that any team that I have so much as a minute rooting interest in will lose, in spectacular fashion.
The Cubs, this year.
The Angels, this year. (Admittedly, this is because they are pitted against the red sox again in the first round)
The Brewers, this year.
The Diamondbacks, last year.
The Twins, last year.
The Padres, last year.
The Mets, last year.
I will readily admit that the TBRays are an exception this year so far, but keep in mind that this is only the second game of the Divisional Series - they still have plenty of time to lose, eventually, to the red sox.
Oh yeah, and since I'm bitching about the post-season, Frank Caliendo has officially worn out his welcome. That McCain impression is fucking terrible.
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 12:27 AM 1 comments
Labels: Baseball, Frank Caliendo, red sox
Friday, October 3, 2008
Every. Single. One.
Time: No idea, maybe 27 minutes?
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 11:54 AM 0 comments
Labels: Buses, Hypocrisy, Red Lights
The Start of Something Big
Posted by Baltimore Guitar Works at 8:14 AM 0 comments