Wednesday, November 26, 2008

lol rotfl ctrl-1

Oh my god - I really really laughed out loud and caused a disturbance at work today when I read this:



I laughed so hard I actually made a comment on the blog.  I never comment on other people's blogs.  Read now.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Main St. Sterling

Yesterday I spent the day driving around Northern Virginia making sales calls, which as you can imagine, was just about the most fun I've ever had in my life. Actually, it wasn't all that bad, but the absolute highlight of the day was my stop in Sterling, VA - I had never been there before, but I was taken with it.

I'm sure that there is a 'real' section of Sterling, with a main street and houses that were built before last year, but the part of Sterling that I saw was the brilliant fake city/main street that they had built as sort of a giant outdoor mall. I've seen this type of thing before, but never to this level. The 'town' has its own streets, benches, lampposts, mailboxes, the whole nine yards - but it is all fake, and built around the franchise stores that they were able to get to move in. Plus, for good measure, there were some pre-fab cookie-cutter townhouses and condos around the 'outskirts' where people could live when they aren't getting coffee from Starbucks and shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Its all very surreal, and I guess I don't really have anything against it, except for the fact that they are trying to re-create a small-town, main street style atmosphere with the very corporations that destroyed the real small-town main streets.

In my hometown of Waynesboro, PA, we actually used to have a Main St. with real shops that people actually went to and purchased goods and services. There was a laundromat, a JC Penny, a McCrory's, a shoe store, a hardware store, a bakery, two banks, a candy store, a couple of kid's clothing stores, a library, town hall, a comic book/baseball card store, the whole nine yards. It has steadily been in decline since I was about 8, thanks to a Wal-Mart, Applebee's, and other corporate stores moving to the surrounding area, and now all that remains is a shitty Chinese restaurant and a pizza place that no one ever goes to.

I guess that's part of life and the ebb and flow of free market economies, but I feel sorry for kids that are growing up in Sterling, VA, whose only experience of a small-town main street is one that is populated by AT&T, Baja Fresh, Lowe's, and Pizzaria Uno.

Ah well. At least I still have 24.

Friday, November 21, 2008

My Vices, Part 5,743


I love the TV show 24.

I should not love the TV show 24.

But I do. I relish every moment. I make it into a weekly event. I get into the plot lines. I think about it all day Monday. I go to the damn show's website. I want to be Jack Bauer. I want my daughter to be as hot as Elisha Cuthbert:





No, wait. Maybe not. That's weird.

Anyway, what is remarkable about the fact that I worship 24 (which is really not all that remarkable, considering it is one of the most popular shows on TV), is that I really don't like TV all that much. I don't really watch much TV outside of The Office, Dirty Jobs, Nova, Bizarre Foods, and baseball. And even those shows I have to Tivo because I can't stand to sit through the commercials, let alone schedule time to sit down and watch a show on their time.

But I will for 24.

Another interesting facet of this is that I really don't like action shows on TV. Mostly because they suck. I don't really watch CSI or Law & Order or NYPD Blue or Magnum PI or whatever is on these days. I like informational documentaries on everyday things. Its just like my love for non-fiction books. But man, there's nothing I like more than Jack Bauer simultaneously texting the President, defusing a bomb, and assassinating a terrorist all while having a gaping, gushing wound, not having slept for a 24 hours, and driving a huge SUV over a cliff.

It is so rediculous, it's awesome.

I guess that's it...it is so far over the top that I have to love it. Every week is an absolute manufactured cliff-hanger. You know its coming, but you watch anyway. The writers of 24 LOVE to fuck with you - giving you clues that don't mean anything, giving you long, dramatic pauses that don't lead to anything, cutting to commercial right when something awesome is about to happen. Incredible show.

So I'm going to watch it again beginning this Sunday and will give updates on this blog on Mondays.

But really I just wanted to post a picture of Elisha Cuthbert on this blog.

/oggles

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

The Flame Will Always Burn


Well, I guess you can't win every battle.

For the very few of you out there who actually read this blog, also read www.firejoemorgan.com, and care, you'll probably already know this, and for the rest of you, you're arriving at the party just a tad too late. My second-favorite website in the world, Fire Joe Morgan, is officially calling it quits.

I have to say that I saw this coming, as their posts had become less and less frequent over the last couple of months, and hey, the writers are real people with real jobs and I guess kids and b.s. like that. It makes me really, really sad, though...this means the end of one of the two websites that could actually get me to laugh out loud. Not just a chuckle, or a smile, or a 'mmmthatsfunny', but a god-honest out-loud laugh.

They got it. They said the things that I wishwishwish I was eloquent enough to say in this blog. They wrote the way I wanted to write. They found the same things stupid that I did, for the same reasons. They cared about punctuation, spelling, and grammar. They talked about baseball, and the things that I really, really like about baseball.

In my mind, I can't write well enough to even be allowed to write about them on my own blog - I feel as though I am discrediting them in some way due to my....ummm....suckiness as writer-guy? So, since I can't say enough or the right things or in the right way about them, do yourself a favor and check out some of my favorite posts.

http://www.firejoemorgan.com/2008/09/holy-cow-does-jon-heyman-hate-vorp.html

http://www.firejoemorgan.com/2008/07/time-magazine-is-not-source-for-correct.html

http://www.firejoemorgan.com/2008/07/turdclump.html


See?? I can't even do that right...there have been so many incredibly incredible posts at that site that I was having trouble remembering specific ones, so I just worked backwards from the last post. Then, I got distracted by some of the posts and I had to read them over again, and laugh, again, and then I got bored and now all that you have are three 'okay' posts that are supposed to represent A WEBSITE THAT MEANS MORE TO ME THAN MY LEFT HAND.

I'm sorry guys, I really am. Go read for yourself.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Mmmm...Capitalism

I like Starbucks. There. I said it. What? You don't?

I don't particularly relish in the fact that I like Starbucks, but hey, at least I'm not alone. From what I hear, its a fairly popular brand. Yeah, they are a mega-corporation, and an icon of the best and the worst that capitalism offers:

Good: Great-tasting coffee at fairly reasonable prices (even though admittedly they made the American consumer okay with the concept of a $4 cup of coffee).
Bad: Thousands upon thousands of chain stores moving into target markets and running smaller, locally-owned stores out of business. Good: A corporate image that attempts to reflect care for the environment, communities, and its employees.
Bad: Allegedly establishing monopolies in certain communities and artificially raising prices due to lack of competition
Good: Starbucks Doubleshot on Ice
Bad: Pike's Place Roast



Ugh. Pike's Place Roast. Beginning last year, Starbucks started offering this "new, special blend" in an attempt to cater to the Dunkin' Donuts crowd. In other words, they started brewing cheap gas station coffee. Now don't get me wrong, I love me some cheap gas station coffee when I'm in the mood, but I come to Starbucks for a cup of coffee that at least has the pretension of tasting better than that. If I'm going to lower myself to visit a Starbucks, I might as well get a cup of coffee that makes it worth my time.

It wouldn't be so bad except for the fact that they apparently have attempted to make it their brew of choice - if you just walk in and ask for a coffee, they'll give you Pike's Place. All of the pound bags of coffee laying around for sale are Pike's Place. All of the in-store ads are for Pike's Place. This has gone on for about a year now, but I think the seams are starting to wear a bit.

Nearly every time that I've walked into a Starbucks and asked for a "any medium coffee that isn't Pike's Place," I've been met with a knowing smile from the barista. Sometimes, as happened yesterday, they will actually acknowledge that they hate the stuff or that it tastes like crap. And sometimes, like yesterday, they actually say,

"Yeah, I hear its going to be phased out here pretty soon."


yayyy

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Oh, Hell Yes


'nuff said.

Ahh, the Year in Review

Time: Longer than usual because I had to run back upstairs to get my scooter keys when I went outside this morning and found that it wasn't -50 degrees outside

Miles: 879

I'm a huge fan of FanGraphs.com - its a great site that has a lot of people who are much smarter than me discussing baseball topics that I'm typically really into. I'm also a huge fan of the Baltimore Orioles (NEW UNIFORMS COMING TODAY!!!). So I've been waiting with baited breath for FanGraphs to finally write the Year in Review for the Orioles. And they finally did.

blah.

I don't really know what I was expecting - I mean, they hit all of the nails collectively on their respective heads, but I think the review was a bit more dismal than it needed to be. But I'm used to it by now...somehow in the past 10 years or so, Baltimore has consistently received this kind of treatment, and with good reason. I think it was the worst in the beginning of 2005, when the Orioles looked like legitimate contenders before it was discovered that Miguel Tejada was injecting Jay Gibbons' and Rafael Palmeiro's love child with anthrax, or whatever. There was close to zero coverage of the team, and what coverage there was of "when the wheels were going to fall off" (which they did), "when the yankees would turn it around" (which they did), "red sox because boston", and "yankees yankees red sox Ortiz Jeter Jeter yankees courage red sox gamer gritty Jeter A-rod sux red sox yankees".

But I mean...read the article. The guy's name is Melvin Mora, not Melvin More. The top catching prospect in the game, if not the top prospect in the game's name is spelled Wieters, not Weiters.

I know, its just me being petty and picking on them for telling me that my team sucks. But....dude...I mean....c'mon...dude. And plus, Aubrey Huff is going to repeat his numbers from this year, so we're in good shape, right? Right??

/has faith in Baltimore
/responds to e-mail stating that he won $1,000,000
/falls for other such nonsense

Friday, November 7, 2008

Annoyances, part 523

Time: 20 minutes
Miles: I keep forgetting to check when I come in...I think 860?

If there is one thing that annoys me, and in fact many, many, many things annoy me, it is people who honk their horns immediately after a light turns green when they are five cars back in a line.

This happened this morning when I was turning onto MLK. There is always a lot of traffic, and typically when the light turns green to cross MLK, there are still some cars in the intersection turning left or just sitting there or whatever. That was the case this morning, and I swear 5 seconds after the light turned green this guy behind me starts to honk. I'm the 5th vehicle in line, so he's the 6th.

What the hell is he thinking, and what the hell is he trying to accomplish? Does he really think that we're all just sitting there in front of him, looking at a green light, and thinking, "Gosh, I know I'm supposed to do something here, but what?" I can understand his frustration, lord knows, but a. I believe you should wait at least 10 seconds before honking, and then you may do so politely, and b. the honker should be the person directly behind the person that isn't moving.

I mean, really...anyone who is on the road at 7:30 in the morning is either on their way to work or on their way back home from work. Either way, it is safe to say that the only thing on everyone's mind is, "God I fucking hate traffic. Even my shitty job is better than this. At least I can play Boggle online at work." So I feel that everyone can rest assured that us morning commuters are ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

We should not fight or jockey for position, or drive exceedingly slowly or pass people on the right out of frustration.

We should not block intersections after your light turns red.

We should not cut off or ride up on the butt of the sexy man on the scooter in front of you.

And possibly most importantly, we should not honk at a line of cars immediately after a red light turns green.

In the face of economic turmoil and strife rampant throughout the world, we must UNITE, brothers!! Only together can we combat morning road rage! YES, WE CAN!! YES, WE CAN!!
















/weeps profusely

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Circumnavigating the Mega-corporation Seas

So I’m trying to sell some of my crappy guitars on eBay, and to do that I had to update my PayPal account. I don’t know if you’ve ever fucked around with PayPal, but they are the most anal-retentive security-laden company in the world. Every time I’ve ever had to update anything on my account, it has involved them sending me a hard copy letter to my parent’s house in PA and then me doing about 12 levels of security verification.

Anyway, I haven’t used eBay or PayPal in a long time, and when I tried to update my account today, it told me that I had to call in. So I did, and waited on hold for 20 minutes and then talked to an account representative, who asked me my first and last name.

“John Rossman”

“Okay, Mr. Rossman, what can I do for you today?”

“I would like to update the phone number associated with my account.”

“I’m sorry sir, but only the owner of the account can update that information.”

“But I am the owner.”

“No, I’m sorry, the name that is listed on the account is different than the name you provided.”

“What do you mean? What is the name on the account?”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t give you that information.”

“Oh, I know, I know…its listed under ‘Jay’ Rossman. Don’t worry – that’s me.”

“I’m sorry, but I can only let the name listed on the account update the profile.”

“But that’s me! I’m Jay Rossman!”

“That’s not the name that you provided me when I asked what your name was.”

“That’s my nickname! I am Jay Rossman! I am John Rossman! We are the same person! It is I!”

“I’m sorry, but I can only let the name listed on the account update the profile.”

“So let me get this straight: you can’t let me update the phone number on my profile because I said initially that my name was John and the name on the profile is Jay?”

“That is correct.”

“Okay, then I will just hang up, call again, and tell the next person that my name is Jay. Which it is.”

“………………………………”

“I’m sorry, but I can only let the name listed on the acco…”


*click*


Needless to say, 20 minutes later I updated Jay Rossman’s information. What fun!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Shameless Self-promotion

To anyone who hasn't seen it yet:

Monday, November 3, 2008

Good Company

Time: Didn't feel like it, but 22 minutes
Miles: 847

It was another gorgeous morning today and I was able to break out the scooter for what I feel will be the last couple rides for the season. She roared to life this morning - started right up - and acted like she was mad at me for not using her for the last week. Great ride, no complaints, all was right with the world.

Until I pulled into work.

I got off of my scooter and turned around, and the scooter that I had noticed was coming up behind me on the road was now whipping around the corner and coming right at me. The very large man behind the handlebars stopped quickly and launched into a Bawl'mer accent-laden tirade about how great these scooter things are and where did you get it I bet you went up to Towson yeah I wanted to get mine there but I didn't and how much did you pay for it and make sure you lock that thing up because the little black boys will steal them before you know what happened and see mine is a Yamaha but they're probably the same engine and how long have you had it and make sure you lock that thing up etc.

Now, I realize the guy is just being friendly and was excited to see a fellow enthusiast, but my GOD did this guy go on and on and on. I couldn't get a word in edge-wise, even if I had actually wanted to. I did the whole walk backwards away from him so that he would get the message that I needed to go thing at least three times, to no avail. So finally I just said, "Welp, take it easy," and turned around and walked into work. He drove off.

What's my point? No point. I love my scooter, but sometimes the whole "talking shop" thing gets a bit old. Of course, I am an ass, so its probably just me.